if it was easy, we'd all do it

[i'm sorry i haven't written in ages, i've been staying with my grandparents and haven't been on my computer and they're wary about my weight so i haven't been able to get onto my blog]

i don't know what it is that's more addictive, the weight loss or more control. control to say no to everything, and to not pick at food when there's no one even looking. to know that every time i don't take that extra bite, i'll lose just a little bit more. 

it's been hard here with my grandparents. they eat three meals a day, and have tea. i can't not eat when i'm around them, so my weight hasn't budged which is annoying, but i know that as soon as i'm back in L i'll be losing fast. i wont be eating more than 400 cals a day, and i'll be doing lots of fitness. so i'll get there, i know i will. it's just a struggle, but that's whats so good about it. it means that not everyone can do it, that not everyone is successful. 

every day is a challenge, but it's worth it at the end of the end of every day. 

thinspo to keep you all as positive as i'm feeling right now

collar bones&hip bones xx

practice what you preach

these past couple of days have been good. i haven't eaten much - just one dinner and a salad the other day and i feel fine. i've been drinking litres and litres of water - it's what keeps me going. my parents leave to V this evening, which means i don't need to eat. and then i'm in L for a couple days, and i can finally go the gym again, and do kick boxing. miss it so much. the one problem is alcohol. i've been out several times here and i don't need to drink much to get drunk, but still, the calories in vodka are ridiculously high. and when i'm in london i'll be out drinking. my time in D will be an alcohol detox, but my whole family will be watching what i eat. i'm going to have to purge. i hate it, but i have to if i want to get anywhere. i also joined a gym in L where i'll be doing kick boxing, thai boxing, yoga and fitness. i'll be able to do it every day since i've finished college for the year now. so in may it's fitness time. i'm more motivated than ever. i just want to see the inches slip off, the gap widen and my tummy flatten. i'll get there, i know i will. it takes work, and effort, and lots of motivation. but i love this control i'm gaining over my body. i just hope that when i'm in D i don't give in and start eating normally, since then i'll have to re-train my tummy and my brain. does anyone else get that? the feeling that they have to train their brain? i just love hearing my tummy grumble and not giving in. 


here's some thinspo, beauties. hope everyone is doing well and you're all getting closer and closer to your goals. 

before and afters are so motivating.

love love love 

a fresh start

first i just want to thank americaneaglelove because it was her words that made me realise i can do this. that today was in fact a fresh start. so here's my day;


2 pieces of toast - 130cal
tuna pasta - 265cal
half a mango - 65cal
total - 460cal


i ran for about 20 minutes today too, and i've got to do some squats, lunges and crunches. i puked twice today. i shouldn't puke, but i feel guilty about eating. i drank about 2 liters of water too, so i think overall i had a good day. i just need to keep this up. 


here's some thinspo for all your beauties

love and kisses

breaking the only rules i promised i'd keep

i'm failing, i'm like a train wreck. i just can't seem to not eat, and it's not that i have some twisted pleasure of feeling food in my tummy, but its the flavours. i want all these flavours and i'm the kind of person that craves sweet and then salt and then sweet and then salt. i don't know how to control it. i really don't. i need to change this, i need to stop breaking the only rules i promised to keep. 


i read all these other blogs and these girls have so much self-control. i look at pictures of other girls and they all must have so much self-control to look that small, that beautiful. 


i keep saying i just want to be small, i want my ribs to show, i want 'the gap', i wan't the jawline. i keep saying 'i want'. but i think it's about time i stop saying 'i want' and start doing whatever it takes to get what i want. i'm so unfit at the moment, it's near imposible for me to run for a good half hour, which i think would do me good, so i'm going to start running - even if its just a ten minute run a day, and then sit ups. i know it will gradually build up. 


i'm at home, so dinners are a must, but i can not eat during the day. no one is home, so no one is there to make sure i eat. i should just drink water. i was talking to my cousin, and even she's lost a stone. that's because she has self control. so from now on, if i get hungry, i'll drink water and chew on ice if i need to trick my brain into thinking i'm eating. i have to do this. i'll be in D in a week and i know i wont be able to shock, but i want my jeans to be a little loose. i want my shirts to feel a little baggier. and if i keep to not eating apart from dinner, just drinking lots and lots of water, i will get there. i'm back in L in may, and so i have about three weeks to really lose a good amount of weight. i'm thinking that in three weeks i can lose 8kgs if i stick to only one meal a day, lots of water, running and sit ups. I should try and get between 8-10 hour of sleep too. VERY POSSIBLE, considering how much i like to sleep.


so here we go. again. and this will be the last time i write 'again'. because i will not stop, ever again. never, because this is a never ending journey; destination in mind, but no end in sight. so i'll keep going, i'll keep losing to win. 


think thin, ladies. i'm sorry for the rant, i'm just feeling so depressed about my body. 

thin has a taste of it's own

a little bit of good, a lot of bad. today was just an average day. i wasn't good, i wasn't bad. i woke up super early, and ate a toastie which i completely regretted so i puked it up. then i had some cereal at around 2ish. have picked at a couple things since then, but haven't eaten anything proper since. drank lots of water and a cup of tea and coke. i also went for a run and did sit ups and leg lunges. 
i still have to have dinner since i'm at home for easter, but i'll puke it out after. that means today would have been around 500 calories. much better than yesterday, but i will be better tomorrow. i'll be busy tomorrow too since i have to do some ironing, do my brother's room, and then i have to pick him up at the station. so i'll be too busy to think about food. i'll just drink lots of water. 


here's my inspiration for the day 

the two girls from the last picture - what me and my best friend want to look like by this summer. they're beautiful

today, not tomorrow

today
apple: 53 kg
bowl of cereal: 128
rice and meat: 500
chicken and rice: 500
coke: 200


total calorie intake : 1381


That's a ridiculously high amount of calories. I'm DISGUSTING. 


I did 50 sit-ups and squats.


Tomorrow morning I'm going to run, sit-ups and squats. No breakfast, lunch will be an apple and water, and if I get hungry throughout the day I can have another apple and drink water. I'll eat a healthy dinner, but puke some of it out. In the evening I will do sit-ups and squats. This will be my new daily routine. I'm going to get there. I have to. 

current

my legs and butt are huge. thats my biggest problem. my tummy changes every day depending on what i eat, but i know i can do a lot better there too. all in all, i need to change completely. these are my goals:

-size 0 jeans
-model like body
-rib cage b/w breasts
-no love handles
-hollow cheeks
-boney arms
-tight body fitted dress's
-flat tummy
-tiny waist

-tiny claves and thighs

water and apples

aspire to inspire. one day i'll be someone else's thinspo. 

SW: 66

CW: 66

GW: 38

I KNOW ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN FROM ONE DAY TO THE NEXT, I KNOW I NEED TO WORK EVERY SINGLE DAY, I KNOW ITS GOING TO BE A STRUGGLE, I KNOW THIS WILL BE THE HARDEST THING I DO. BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT WHAT I SEE IN THE MIRROR HURTS MORE THAN STARVING, AND THAT BEING FAT GETS ME NOWHERE. IF I WANT TO BE BEAUTIFUL, I HAVE TO BE LIKE THEM. 

a new start

it was just over a year ago that this never ending journey began for me. i was so determined to be small, to be the smallest. and i was getting there, i was working so hard for it, with the support of two of my friends. but as i moved away from these friends i became so weak and now i am in no way happy with the person i've become. so i've started this blog in the hope that i can stay motivated and become who i used to be, and even smaller.