breaking the only rules i promised i'd keep

i'm failing, i'm like a train wreck. i just can't seem to not eat, and it's not that i have some twisted pleasure of feeling food in my tummy, but its the flavours. i want all these flavours and i'm the kind of person that craves sweet and then salt and then sweet and then salt. i don't know how to control it. i really don't. i need to change this, i need to stop breaking the only rules i promised to keep. 


i read all these other blogs and these girls have so much self-control. i look at pictures of other girls and they all must have so much self-control to look that small, that beautiful. 


i keep saying i just want to be small, i want my ribs to show, i want 'the gap', i wan't the jawline. i keep saying 'i want'. but i think it's about time i stop saying 'i want' and start doing whatever it takes to get what i want. i'm so unfit at the moment, it's near imposible for me to run for a good half hour, which i think would do me good, so i'm going to start running - even if its just a ten minute run a day, and then sit ups. i know it will gradually build up. 


i'm at home, so dinners are a must, but i can not eat during the day. no one is home, so no one is there to make sure i eat. i should just drink water. i was talking to my cousin, and even she's lost a stone. that's because she has self control. so from now on, if i get hungry, i'll drink water and chew on ice if i need to trick my brain into thinking i'm eating. i have to do this. i'll be in D in a week and i know i wont be able to shock, but i want my jeans to be a little loose. i want my shirts to feel a little baggier. and if i keep to not eating apart from dinner, just drinking lots and lots of water, i will get there. i'm back in L in may, and so i have about three weeks to really lose a good amount of weight. i'm thinking that in three weeks i can lose 8kgs if i stick to only one meal a day, lots of water, running and sit ups. I should try and get between 8-10 hour of sleep too. VERY POSSIBLE, considering how much i like to sleep.


so here we go. again. and this will be the last time i write 'again'. because i will not stop, ever again. never, because this is a never ending journey; destination in mind, but no end in sight. so i'll keep going, i'll keep losing to win. 


think thin, ladies. i'm sorry for the rant, i'm just feeling so depressed about my body.